25:5

ah......so the life as a 'worker' starts tomorrow...after being a student for 25 years...finally it is time for me to start the life with a career in hand...a career comes with responsibilities...there is no more try and errors anymore with real life project...any wrong decision might lead to great devastation...

ending a month of rest full with joy and relaxation with friends and family...going familiar and new places...recapping past memories...gaining new experiences...everything just reminds me...'Life is always so beautiful!'...

bad things may happen anytime but God is always there guiding and leading...accidents happened right nearby me...life is just so fragile...

ghost or so called 'forest spirits' passing by my friends which I did not experience anything (was sleeping soundlessly for the whole night! lol)...there are indeed many people out thr craving for the peace of life and mind...

seeing my friends couple fighting with each other...recalls myself of what I actually did wrongly in the past...what I can tell them is just...Appreciate each other, love does not come by without any reasons. When two person come together from strangers to friends and to lovers, all these does not occur without any reasons. Love your partner when you still have the chance or else regret will come knocking on your door...

history will always remain as history...but does not mean history will be in the way of my future...years of memories will never be wiped off as simply as that...but life goes on...regardless of the time...I believe she will surely come when it is the right time for us to start...thrs no rush for that...keeping a relationship long enough does not prove that the bond will be strong and unbreakable...what measures the relationship is the way each other handles love and understand what love truly is...

today ive just discussed the possibilities of doing PhD with my supervisor...seems like part time would be the best solution...hopefully I can stil get the MyPhD scholarship thou im only taking part time...and hopefully I can fully understand the reasons I pursue PhD...not merely for the title but for the experience and thinking strategies...May God continue to lead me in this...

other things left for me to do?...house rent...such a headache...hopefully I can settle this soon and finally settle down with a suitable place for me to stay...I need to settle down first before starting all my plannings...and PhD of course...applications...scholarships...etc...many many things to do...

5 years to complete PhD and AR...can I do it? be strong and faithful! =)

对吗？

看着老爸愈来愈孩子脾气，
看着老妈愈来愈老迈乏力，
心里不禁担忧起来了。。。
我做对选择吗？继续留在柔佛发展是对的吗？
爸妈的年龄已开始步入令人担忧的阶段，我还能在外奔跑几年呢？
老爸又一直说要搬去柔佛住，老妈不想，我也认为在古晋比较理想，结果会是如何呢？
我能否尽快达到目标，回来古晋照顾他们吗？

何时？

原来人心可以一瞬间改变，
原来爱情可以是那么脆弱，
以前的 “我不会这样做”，
转眼间都尽在眼前。
眼眶何时得以不再涨水？
心何时得以不再被击碎？

PhD or not?

Practice vs Education. 

Will these two ever match? Everyone says that study PhD means becoming a lecturer or taking the path of education. If I dont have intentions to teach in university then dont take PhD. Is this a paradigm in typical Malaysia family? Lecturers need practical experiences as well to educate students to be ready for future world. Practising architects can improve their knowledge as well to further develop the architecture definition. Furthering studies does not necessarily decide one must only take up the path as an educator.

The dilemma of student ideas and works to be merely education works differed from real Malaysia architecture has been going since the start of architectural education in Malaysia. Do local architects lack the creativity or ability to design well? Not certainly. The problem I guess is about the limitations applied towards students during their education period. Local architecture students are trapped with the uncertainty of lecturers or education systems to bring them towards a unified target. Some goes for technicality, some goes for ideas, which ends up going nowhere. Architects in the real world lack the standings to hold on to meaningful designs as well. More architects are workers of their clients rather than designers. This culture passes on to fresh grads which fears the drive for change as well. 

Buildings and construction can bring human developments as well as devastation. Is Malaysia heading towards sustainable architecture or money-driven meaningless developments? Malaysia might not be the best place to live, Malaysia might not be better than other countries in certain aspects, but I believe there is still hope in Malaysia. Although the stress of races and religions might become more tense, the situation can still be changed and improved. Hopefully more Malaysians are willing to care for the future of Malaysia and our children who will be living in Malaysia then. Our time will come to an end anytime, the world does not belong to us, but all our generations will be using the earth. 

Love her or destroy her, it's our own choice.

25，启程咯！

在UTM读了五年的绘测系，终于来到了一个段落。五年里，发生了许许多多的事情。无论是喜或忧，它们都让我更加明白这世界，也让我学习以更加成熟的心态与思想去面对生活。
第一年进校，充满了好奇心，也充满着奋斗力，想要继续追求更好的成就。但发觉，一山还有一山高。中学时的成功，原来只是芝麻小事，完全不值得一提。在绘画，社交方面我彻底败了。好，我努力！
第二年，算是我在艺术湖里学游泳的一年。努力地读，看，画，不断地尝试，不断地失败。
第三年，非常惊喜地，佩诗也进入了UTM。之前的远距离恋爱，终于得到纾解了。这一年应该是最开心的一年吧！在教会的服事也渐渐地多了，但却很喜乐，因为为神为爱忙碌，成绩也没多差。反而更有信心了。
第四年，毕业的压力开始筑起。本想专心学业，因佩诗也忙于学业，所以谈心的时间少了，争吵的次数也多了。原以为这一切只是暂时性，也对她太有信心，而她也不愿花时间谈两人之间的事。我就放边了。
第五年，老师们的丑态，都看清了。这世界的确是不公平的，要成功，就要努力。虽然我不做神不喜悦的事，但我也要尽基督徒的本分去取得成就。虽然不是最好的，但我相信，在神眼中都会看为至宝，因为我尽全心去完成。第五年也是我爱情的劲爆期。毕业的最紧要关头，我忍受不了她的冷漠，向她问清楚了。结果，她真的提出了要冷静时期，而且是永无止境的冷静时期，她几时有决定就几时告诉我，冷静时期拒绝任何联系。我完全呆了。不知从哪来她突然肯告诉我了。无论我多么努力想挽回，求她一起解决，一起面对，她永远就是那句：我已经忍了很久，我不想再忍了。我在祷告上帝给我答案是否要继续忍还是可以离开你。没想到竟然从她口里冒出这句话。一直以来都叫我要包容她，现在却倒转了。。。因为我的一些习惯与脾气不合她心意，结果就要分了。以前的她不是这么不负责任的，为何现在会变成这样？还是其实这就是本性，一直以来被掩盖？冷静了几个月，她果然完全不在乎我的等待，最终又是我做坏人要求讲个清楚。答案当然是分啦！就这样，背着这遍体鳞伤的身躯，我尽力地去完成我的毕业作品与论文。虽然成果并非我所要的般理想，但总算过了。感谢主！在她决定分手的一段时间，我曾经质疑自己所相信的神，因为一直以来神都告诉我要爱佩诗的一切，要包容，要接纳，要懂得如何面对两个人的不同。但佩诗却说她从神那里得到的答案是与我分手。我非常困扰，因为就算在那时我还是一直不断地从神那里得到答案不要放弃对她的爱。我不晓得到底要如何。就这样，到现在为止，无论我多么地拒绝她在我心中的存在，依然会有声音叫我不要放弃对她的爱。
事隔已有七个月了，我究竟需要多少时间来放下这一直缠绕我的困扰呢？一年？五年？十年？对爱情的信心其实也已经彻底地塌了，也没勇气要去把它再次筑起。因为害怕再被伤害，害怕再次跌倒，我已经不敢再触摸爱情了。虽然神的声音不断，但我还是没勇气去修补这缺口。无论她分手的原因是一还是二，我都一样害怕。一直认为基督徒可以由神带领去爱对方，但事实并非如此。回想起来，原来她在提出分手前一年已开始改变了。她可能一直坚定分手是因为性格不合，没第三者。对！当然跟我在一起时没第三者。她可能不愿接受自己被影响，但她的想法，她的观点都变了，跟他的友好度甚至超越了我。分手后才更加亲密，结果就是我没权力知道他们俩的事了。好棒的理由！之前所说所梦想的一切，竟也全然否认。我服了。一整年我不断地为她做这做那，关心她爱她的同时，她的心里想的都不是我。是我愚蠢吗？爱难道不应该尽全力去爱吗？
现在，就将要踏入社会了，背负着破碎的心，我该如何面对社会的险恶与毒语呢？一切都得自己面对，没人分享喜怒哀乐了，唯有神。家人朋友往往都给不了深层的安慰，只有神是可以永远依靠的了。 加油吧！为了我的理想，我一定要努力，无论有任何拦阻，我都一定要跨过！30，35，40，45，50。等着吧！我一定会努力达到目标的！25，启程咯！

原来。爱。

原来，在一年前，一切已经变了。
原来，在一年前，那颗心早死了。
原来，一切，都只是自己单方面的付出。
原来，爱，可以那么傻。。。
原来，爱，可以那么伤。。。
这次，真的心死了。
阿爸，别再叫我等了，我真的不行了。